a winter tbr

I've been watching a bunch of booktubers, and I'm thinking making my own to-be-read list for the seasons. I'm not going to overwhelm myself, and I don't want to set anything in stone (that sort of thing stresses me out and might be a step backwards). But I'm hoping this might be an exercise to get my mental health back on track, so we're gonna give it a shot. ✩

For Christmas -- (I already know my gift, but I'll still be happy and "surprised" anyways, haha), Meggie's giving me a copy of Murakami's IQ84, and I'm super excited about it, but really nervous at the same time. I've never read him before, and he's supposed to be super-duper wonderful in Japan, but I picked the one book of his that is over a thousand pages long (1056 to be exact), and I don't know why I would have done that to myself. I guess I should have looked into it before Meggie asked for gifting suggestions, but still, I thought it'd be something like 350ish..but it'll be fine, I have high hopes for it, and it fits in the dystopia genre, which is one of my favorites.

Next I've got The Messenger by Markus Zusak. He's the author of The Book Thief, which I've read twice (I should really read it again, it's a good winter book, too, I think). I read the first chapter or two of this one, and it's so snarky, I think I'm just going to love it simply because of the tone. I need to pick it up somewhere, hopefully the kitty cat bookshop will have it. If not, I'll have an excuse to go out scavenging for it.

Then I really want to look into the SAGA series. It's a graphic novel (not a manga, which makes this series something completely new for me). It seems really interesting, and the first few pages I've read on my kindle make it seem like the storytelling is gonna be great. So hopefully I can find this somewhere, too. I don't know much about it, I haven't really looked into the plot line --all I know is that the couple are from two opposing sides and have a little one together and the cover has weapons and horns and wings and I think I'mma dig it.

And lastly, I've got some Pearl S. Buck, because The Good Earth was very good, so I'm hoping to read Pavilion of Women. This one I think is on the longer side, too (I think it's 350-400, which isn't too bad, but the spacing and the wording isn't like Zusak at all, so it'll feel much longer, I think). But the story sounds so fascinating and elegantly femme kickass --the lady of the house turns 40, finds a concubine for her husband so she can take up her own hobbies and education, and then starts acquainting herself with an excommunicated Catholic priest..it sounds like a wild ride that I'm just going to love, I feel it.

So that's all I've got planned out for this winter, I'm hoping to get them all read by the spring solstice (so even a little bit past my birthday!). And I'm actually really excited about it, so I'm hoping this excitement sticks with me and sees me through. ☺

Love, Lizzie.

that building looks like it has light freckles

I've been meaning to make a post and I think tonight I will.

I've finally started taking steps toward getting out of feeling this way (although it was incredibly awkward, I go into a doctor's office with a digestive concern and came out with a paper for a behavioral therapist and an SSRI, I guess I don't see how bad it is until someone writes it out).

But I feel lighter, or maybe not lighter, but more chipper I guess. I hummed along to everything and made up my own songs today, even. Just like I used to.

I was walking to the bus stop after work tonight, and of course they have construction as they always do, but the buildings they're putting up, they keep them lit up, and my first thought was about light freckles, and it felt like a thought I would have had while I was with Tim. Like a thought that would have come out of a happy healthy Lizzie, not the one I don't like. I felt so much like me. And I kind of felt younger again too, like the world and life hadn't touched me yet. It was a really nice feeling to have. I don't know why I'm making this such a long intro to this post.

Vinnie came up to visit me, he originally asked Mom if they could pick me up since I had two days off in a row, and they seemed a little less than excited about it, so he just came up for a visit instead.

We went out & had food, some beer, football, and a walk around campus.

We even had a mini adventure to find Gimghoul castle, and we did.
(We saw a castle that day.
A castle.)

Life at home is still a chaotic mess, my phone was completely full of messages from my siblings today, which I still need to answer..but I feel like I might be able to handle it now, or at least try to.

This December I finally picked up some books, too, and read them. Burial Rites started it, I loved it, I loved the atmosphere, but it still hurt. And I have such mixed feelings on Bukowski, like..

But I'm hoping I can keep up reading, even if it's little things here and there, even chapbooks of poetry. Maybe it'd get me to write, too. Haha, just maybe, though.

I finally got around to new bed sheets, too, and they're soft and wonderful and oddly enough make me feel like I have some control of my life? As sadly strange as that is.. but anyway, I think a bookshelf is the next thing to tackle, and it'll be fun to decorate it again (just like I'd do before --I'm looking forward to loving the things I used to love).

This medicine might be messing up my sleep cycles, but it honestly makes me feel much better than the first one I tried, so I might just choose to live with it. 

I'm also looking forward to having a sense of memory again. 

It's so weird, trying to imagine who I was before. And feeling that way again.

It's the strangest thing, really.

Well thanks for listening, as always c;
Love, Lizzie.

Should've grabbed comfort food instead of cheese.

It's my daddy's birthday, the 49th one and that's crazy.

To be honest, usually I forget your birthday, Dad, and I'm sure you know it. But today I remembered it, and I don't know how I feel about it.

Today would have been so much better if you were around --I know I shouldn't be so beat up over one bad day, but it had to be today that was bad, and it kind of makes it all worse. People say I'm their little ray of sunshine, but you know, where is mine? If the world does nothing but take mine?

The angry man on the phone making rude accusations, yelling and interrupting me.

The people who apologized for calling out, but you know they planned to leave me hanging the way they did.

The man who was too impatient for me to cross the street after I had walked the forty minutes home (up and down the hills) --revving his engine and gunning it and swerving his tail end and making people stare and making me cry in the middle of the intersection like a child scared of noise.

I made it home and I made it to my bathroom floor and into the shower and I didn't cry after that because I refused to, but sometimes I don't want to rely on my own strength to carry me through.

Where is another heart of sunshine?
I can distract myself from terrible people, but why find distractions when there could have been something light? I could be visiting home, having cake and whiskey with you (hell, I don't even know if you liked whiskey, hell, I don't even know if I would if you were around).

But instead I'm sitting on a bed with no sheets, feeling alone and scared and I need stronger men in my life.
I don't even know what your personality was like. I don't know if you were strong. Or the right kind of example I needed.
But I think you were, I think you were.

I feel like I'm simply going to run away to Philly, chasing a home that may not exist. Homes are found in people and I don't know how to find good homes. I am always good for others, yet they are rarely good for me. I wish I had you to chase the bad ones away.

I feel like I don't grieve over your death so much anymore, I feel like I grieve more over the darkness that has consumed the space where you used to shine.

I miss you, Dad, and of course I love you.

I know I'm supposed to enjoy days like this for you, but sometimes, it's just really hard.

But thanks for always listening.

Much love,

Eliza.

Bits of the year you missed

The year started off with bettering my health, focusing on me, myself & I.

Then I got a little lost somewhere when spring hit, and then summer came rolling in before I could catch my breath.

But I had some space with a mini vacay with my momma & baby brother;

It was hella nice, VA beach hit me like it was high school again, and it wasn't bad at all.

I guess I haven't been taking pictures like I used to, but that can always change. ✩
         Because things have changed, and I think for the better, and everything will turn out good. ✩
                     (at least, that's what I believe). ✩

It must be a summer thing

I always seem to forget this blog exists, except for when it comes to June or July. Oh well.

I was looking through the physical evidence of the old me on here, and it's just so freaking strange. Like I kind of miss the old Lizzie, and I'm frustrated with myself for letting her get away --but it'll be alright, I'll get her back, only she'll be new and grown and it'll all work out.

This year's been a little crazy, not going to lie, but things are looking a little up. I invested in some new dresses, I'm waiting for some new watercolors to arrive in the mail on Wednesday, and I'm moving to Philly in November! So even though it feels like I'm stuck now, really I've been in motion this whole time. It'll be okay.

I don't know why I made this post, I think I'll be back soon though to photograph dresses and things like I used to, though. I remember it was fun. ✩

Buh bye. ✌