It's my daddy's birthday, the 49th one and that's crazy.
To be honest, usually I forget your birthday, Dad, and I'm sure you know it. But today I remembered it, and I don't know how I feel about it.
Today would have been so much better if you were around --I know I shouldn't be so beat up over one bad day, but it had to be today that was bad, and it kind of makes it all worse. People say I'm their little ray of sunshine, but you know, where is mine? If the world does nothing but take mine?
The angry man on the phone making rude accusations, yelling and interrupting me.
The people who apologized for calling out, but you know they planned to leave me hanging the way they did.
The man who was too impatient for me to cross the street after I had walked the forty minutes home (up and down the hills) --revving his engine and gunning it and swerving his tail end and making people stare and making me cry in the middle of the intersection like a child scared of noise.
I made it home and I made it to my bathroom floor and into the shower and I didn't cry after that because I refused to, but sometimes I don't want to rely on my own strength to carry me through.Where is another heart of sunshine?
I can distract myself from terrible people, but why find distractions when there could have been something light? I could be visiting home, having cake and whiskey with you (hell, I don't even know if you liked whiskey, hell, I don't even know if I would if you were around).
But instead I'm sitting on a bed with no sheets, feeling alone and scared and I need stronger men in my life.
I don't even know what your personality was like. I don't know if you were strong. Or the right kind of example I needed.
But I think you were, I think you were.
I feel like I'm simply going to run away to Philly, chasing a home that may not exist. Homes are found in people and I don't know how to find good homes. I am always good for others, yet they are rarely good for me. I wish I had you to chase the bad ones away.
I feel like I don't grieve over your death so much anymore, I feel like I grieve more over the darkness that has consumed the space where you used to shine.
I miss you, Dad, and of course I love you.
I know I'm supposed to enjoy days like this for you, but sometimes, it's just really hard.
But thanks for always listening.
Much love,
Eliza.
