If I had grandbabies

Sometimes you just take a picture, and you hope it's one of those photos that goes on someone's wall, and they'll fall in love with it because it's the young you.



And maybe I'm just thinking this way because I lost this lovely lady.

My Bobshi.

I'm sorry you never got the flowers, and I'm sorry I didn't stay more, but I love you.

It's kind of strange --Pennsylvania does this thing to me like nothing there happens in reality; Tim always said I described as a fairytale, magical place, and so the terrible things I felt up there...it doesn't feel like it happened. It feels like you should be on a plane to visit us like you planned, you should be in the air not the ground, not in a box where I can never see you or say goodbye or hello again. Because I love you. 

Tim and I are talking again and he told me he missed me, did you know we've been apart for almost a year? We broke up in September..I wouldn't mind talking to you about it, Bobshi you understood people so much better than I do. You know so much more, about love and when love goes wrong and when something golden comes along. What am I supposed to do, Bobshi?

When I gave you my headband it was a childish thing to do, it's what children do out of fear, when they don't want to be forgotten. Which is really strange and funny, don't you think? I think you knew that I was afraid that it'd be the last time I'd see you, or maybe you knew it would be the last time. Maybe I knew it. But why should I be afraid of a dying person forgetting me? Shouldn't it be the other way around? It's like I wanted you to take something of me with you, even if it was just some pretty headband I just bought, just to hold my hair back while I cleaned my face at night. And that headband, I got it because I changed my hair, because I'm changing me, and now it feels like you're part of that change.

LDOC (ell dock)

So today was my very last day as a college student, it's completely over in all of its gloriously awkward entirety. I feel like life keeps giving me too much.

I think I am happy, I think I can breathe a little more and a little better, I'm not sure if that's the lack of nicotine or the fact that I ended my college career finally taking a creative writing class and it was the greatest choice I've made in a real long fucking time. I want to be a writer, I don't know why I convinced myself it was pointless, it's really worth something, and I don't need to be genius I just need to be honest, and that's all I've really wanted.

This post took a weird turn and I'm sorry, I'm happy and I want to share today with someone and the past few nights I've finally discovered what's it's like to cry out of love-loneliness and I think I might try flirting or grabbing guys' numbers just for fun, at least until I figure out what's going on with my heart in another place.

I'm not in my (what I like to call) rubber-band complex, I'm getting rid of the dirty water between me and my ex, and it's okay to love something that didn't work, and you can still love and hope for other things at the same time. It's not a bad thing. Not at all.

Florence Welch is a blessing, I swear, that moment she pulls it all out of you while you listen to How Big, How Blue, How Beautiful and I have a really hard time getting through it without crying --although my gut's getting attuned to the crying urge, kind of like you can with danger, so I think I'll be alright, I love everything.

I hope everything is going well in your life, and I hope you are happy as a bee. ✩

what are months and moons

So this happened without my knowledge --but it's been almost an entire year since I've posted on here! I don't know what has happened, so much, so little, so quickly, I can't. So here is a post, I guess I should give a little context to my life nowadays.

• I am finally taking a creative writing class and I love it and I wish I had done so from the beginning
• Oh, I'm a single lady now and heartbreaks are not a fun past time
• I got promoted at work and it's feeling alright
• I wear mascara now and I feel more like myself and more like a lady and not some little pretty thing
• I might have a little thing for cigarettes but I'm quitting and starting and quitting again
• Who knew that I fucking love to dance? 
• Varsha reappeared and disappeared and there was another opera recital thrown in there and I love the way Hebrew sounds now

This past semester I also read Nabokov for the first time in a class about the absurd in Russian literature (and it was taught by a favorite professor of mine!); this book I think is the perfect book to have happened to me at a perfect time and I'm going to take it and run with it and let it do what it wants to me (This is my way of saying you most definitely need to read it!).

I want to read it in Russian but all of my Russian-scholar comrades say he is much to difficult to read; his english is difficult and so is his Russian; but I'd rather struggle and be in love than just mechanically sift through translation, I guess.

I'm not entirely sure what else to say: I went to my graduation ceremony even though I won't graduate until August; there's someone I like and he likes me and I like that; this past week in my creative writing class we read "Off" by Aimee Bender and I think I'm madly in love with her too, you need to read that short story, it is absolutely wonderful. I think I want to be a writer, some literary girl and why did I try and suppress it so much these past few years?

My life nowadays is a hot mess, but I'm feeling pretty happy as I'm writing it all out to you. I'll try to post more, I don't think I want to go MIA for another year.