Tuesday, terribly

Today is always tricky, always hard lately and I don't know why I can't seem to shake it all off. My head's been a mess the past couple days, weeks - - and I feel like I should say sorry for starting off a post this way.

But today this is going to be more of a diary.

Today I thought about my fingers. I compulsively pick at them; I can't hold a pen correctly because the nail bed on my right thumb feels sore from where I've bothered myself too much. My pinky is starting to bother me, too, but it's not so useful as a thumb so it isn't too much trouble. But either way, I don't want it that way.

And I remembered Tim, and how we used to talk about getting me gloves, because nothing else really seemed to work. And I know, and I'm sure he knew, that a girl wearing gloves around is odd and out of the ordinary - - would probably make me feel self conscious and maybe even a little ashamed (perhaps he didn't know about that, or I wouldn't have) - - but he would talk about getting lacey ones, or Antique-ish ones, just so at least I could feel pretty about it.

It's days like that, thoughts like that, guilts like that, that make me wish I could be x years younger to keep that kind of goodness and kindness and lightness that seems to have slipped out of my life. Where do you find another love like that?

I'm beginning to think that maybe I do sometimes run off and ruin good things, maybe all I can do about it is scream and tear it all down from the inside. I don't know what I can do with myself.

And that's all I've got. Love, Lizzie. x

may-be, april's gone

The past couple of weeks have been pretty messy, I'm not sure what happened to the adventure trend the first part of April had going on, but by now it's gotten a little...well, messy. There really isn't a better word for it. So now I'm trying to clean up & sort it out.

I still found some pretty moments --there were some walks home from work, some rain-filled dirt, etc. My mood's been getting low again; it was naturally taking that turn, and then people began leaving and others started being cruel and now there are some missing puzzle pieces that I'm just going to have to fill with something else, somehow.

I had some poolside dates with C. and A., which eventually led to my first bad sunburn of the season (it actually looked much worse once I got home, so I'm still a little worried about it, but it's healing pretty nicely). But I've been getting some mini-doses of pool water (it's been chilly still), and even though I haven't had the concentration to read, at least I've been getting some fresh air (which is just as nice anyways).

 

(A. and I also went out for slushies, and it was so nice --the last time I had one was prom night and it was just what I needed that day).

I'm going to make the most out of the rest of May --students are leaving and this city will calm down and it will be slow and easy and I can recover and make my moves.

I also have a couple of happy and hopeful things planned out for this summer (like a trip up to PA in July), so being hopeful should help me ride out some of these bumps in May.

I also decided to try again for grad school --I'm not happy where I'm at (which we already knew), so I might as well plunge into something else, even after all this time. So I'm going to go for library & information science --at least, that's the goal, anyway. I think I can make it work. (Well, I have to, really). I won't have a choice but to be the reliable, clockwork Lizzie I've always been.

Well, I think that's about it for now.
Love, Lizzie. x

an April catalog of adventures thus far

This month has had so much in it and it's not even to the halfway mark yet. ✩

It started with a defining basketball game at a bar that is a trademark of the university, and rushing the streets afterwards to avoid the baby fires I was too nervous to jump over knowing my luck.
I learned a thing or two about the sport, and I could have been one of those girls in college to watch gmaes just for the sake of friends and company. I don't know why I thought it was all a waste of time. Lowkey ashamed of underclassman Lizzie.

Then C. and I went to the library book sale that I had been looking forward to for the past couple of months. I got plenty of books, and there are a few that I'm exceptionally excited for: Grief is the Thing with Feathers (current read), I Wish Someone Were Waiting for Me Somewhere (also a current read), Love in the Time of Cholera, Lolita (no gaudy-tacky cover included), Dead Souls (1942, illustrated, smell-good-trusty-hardback), various chapbooks of poetry, and The Russian Dreambook of color + flight (absolutely no pictures taken during the adventure --too distracted and curious to bother with them).

I also read and finished The Luzhin Defense. I feel like I need to give the second half another read, but part of me just felt off put or rushed or maybe I just love reading children so much more than adults --but either way, it was a good read, ✩✩✩✩. Enjoyed the childhood, enjoyed the end, enjoyed the wife's wedding night.

The most recent adventure was with C. and J. and we went to a honeysuckle tea room. I always try so hard to love tea and it never quite works --there was one time in my life I fully enjoyed a cup of hot tea and it was at Nana's in her bed while Bobshi was dying and it was sleepytime tea and I've never found another cup to taste quite like it. Perhaps grief or sadness had something in it.

But I will find a cup of happiness that will have me and I'll drink it for the rest of my life.

But it was a wonderful day and we walked around looking for dandelion puffs to make wishes on but I kept kicking them to help spread seeds for the sweet future little honeybees and then it became harder to find wishes but it was fun all the same.

And for whatever reason, my legs were exceptionally, luminously pale that day, regardless of the light or angle, haha. But I found a deep abyss-like Alice-like hole and the trees cup the parking lot if you even want to call it that because there is none.

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I visited Prof. L. today after not seeing him for months and months maybe a year and he was so happy and made me promise him to come back again --he said I was radiating positive energy and it all felt very hopefull. It was a very quick thing --it's exam/final paper season so he had students to talk to but it was still very, very nice. I think on Monday I'll stop by and see if K. is in, I owe him a visit, too. It's been such a nice day, I wanted to tell someone about it.

Also on the bus today (well I first spotted them at the bus stop after seeing the professor) --there was a small boy and his father and they looked so much alike and the boy was covered in multicolored marker up to his knees and his father seemed so unphased and they took selfies and talked like they were best friends and I was so proud to see them and I couldn't help but laugh and I think I might have been in the background of one of their selfies and I hope I'm smiling to myself because I couldn't help it. It made me even happier to see them, and I was already chipper and swinging my legs at the bus stop before them.

Well, I think I'm off to read or find another adventure, who knows, really.

With so much love, Lizzie. x